One month from today is when I am scheduled to have my c-section for Grayden. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. The mix of emotions is incredible. I am anxious about the c-section. I hate not knowing what to expect and I don't like the thought that I have no control. I also hate having no idea who is going to be delivering him. I really wish we could transport Dr. LaGrand here for the day just to deliver him. I also hate the thought that I will not be able to hold my sweet baby right after he is born. I may not even get to hold him for a few hours. They tell me that I can hold him as long as he is stable "whenever I feel ready". At CHOP the babies don't get to stay in the delivery/recovery rooms with their moms, even if they are stable. Grayden will be staying in the NICU until he is discharged. I know this is going to be so hard for me.
As the delivery gets closer and I am starting to think of the challenges we may face, I do find myself asking "why me?" It is hard not to look at other couples who have multiple healthy children and to not feel a little jealous. I often need to remind myself though of all the great things that I have in my life. I have an awesome family and circle of friends. Without them, Austin and I would not have been able to participate in this opportunity. I have a beautiful healthy son, who I adore and who makes me smile every day. I have been given the opportunity to participate in something that not many people have had the chance to do. An opportunity that may improve Grayden's future. So again I say, "why not me?" We can do this. We will love this baby with all of heart, no matter what journeys he takes us on.
My appointment went well again today. They saw Grayden moving his ankles and toes again. The doctor even said today, that his ankles look pretty good and that he is not sure that they are clubbed after all. He did say though, that it is hard to tell for sure because of the limited space that Grayden has in there now that he is getting bigger and because of the position that he is in. But from what he could see, he thought his ankles looked good. Grayden's ventricles were slightly bigger at today's visit, a little bummer but I'm not going to get hung up on it. They also estimate that Grayden is currently weighing in at 4lbs 14 oz. Everything on my end still looks good, and come to find out a thinning cervix is a "normal" thing at this point if you have had other kids before.
So again, positive thoughts for continued baby baking. I really really want to make it to October.
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