Ever since I was little when people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would always answer by saying that I wanted to be a mom. Of course as I got closer to adulthood I continued to want to be a mom, but also knew that I needed to be an independent woman and that meant finding a career. After changing my major about one million times, I finally decided to become a Child Life Specialist and then finally an Occupational Therapist. I was lucky enough to land my dream job immediately following school and have worked in Early Intervention ever since. I absolutely love what I do and feel that I am doing exactly what I was meant to do. It just fits me. However; ever since having Zander I have constantly felt torn about working full time, and now that I have Grayden I am feeling even more torn. I want to have a career and be a successful woman who can support myself and my family; however I also have a constant desire to be home with my boys. I don't want to miss out on all the fun stuff that is happening with their little lives. I don't want to ever look back and regret not being there. We are very lucky in the fact that the boys attend an amazing in home daycare center where they are receiving the very best care from one of my friends Kristy; however it is so hard for me to know that they are with her 8 hours out of the 12 hours that they are awake during the day. So, that means if you subtract the time it takes me to drop them off in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon I get a total of 2 hours with them during each week day. I am lucky though, because I do get many breaks during the school year and summer, where I have weeks at a time to spend with them, but during the times when I am working many weeks at a time I am finding it very difficult.
I'm not sure if it is going from one child to two that has made it harder this year, or it is the fact that Grayden has special needs, but I am really feeling torn this year. So my wheels are constantly ticking about how things could be different, what we could do to make life a little easier. What makes it hard is the not knowing. Not knowing how much "extra" stuff Grayden is going to need or how much extra time that it will take. This year has been pretty full of doctor's appointments and lots of running to and from daycare for appointments. I am told that the doctor's appointments will slow down as Grayden nears one year in age; however I have a feeling that the intensity of therapy may increase as he begins to get near being upright and mobile.
I, in no way mean for this post to be a sob story or a pity party. I feel very lucky to have my career and my children and I know that we could probably arrange it as a family for me to stay home, but that is the constant dilemma when you love what you do, but also don't want to miss out on anything with your kids and constantly feel like you need to do it all. These are just the thoughts of a mom who is trying to figure out life as a working mama to two boys, one who happens to need a little extra attention.
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